It’s funny how the moments you think ‘shit, I’m living a crazy fucking life right now’ and suddenly feel swept away from the person you used to be and realise how much deep down you’ve been struggling to keep afloat, that out of the blue something happens to make it all better again.
I know things have been rough between us lately. And although I know I should take part of the blame for my behaviour, you have to admit you’ve been really difficult recently.
You see, every time you’ve come to visit, I’ve woken up feeling sad and lifeless. Your mornings are getting darker and colder, but you’ve forced me to get up and go to work anyway. To be honest, whenever we’ve seen each other, I’ve merely been going through the motions.
I remember a few months ago when things were great between us. I used to practically skip to work with happy songs on my iPod. That time when I was feeling a bit ‘meh’ and you arranged for the man I loved to call me when I was on the train — just to cheer me up.
I had a lot of those moments during your visits back then, and they were some of the happiest I can remember in a long time. The texts, the emails, the calls just to hear my voice, the dinner dates where we just sat touching hands and smiling at each other.
But then it all changed. I started spending your visits wondering whether having him part-time was enough, whether I could cope with him going home to someone else every night, and waking up the next morning to find myself alone in bed, with only you for company.
Until finally, I ended it. You weren’t there. It was when your cousin, Sunday was over for the day, and by the time you showed up, I was desolate.
Ever since then, our relationship has been pretty strained, hasn’t it? In fact, if I’m to be honest, I can’t wait for you to leave most weeks. I just want to get you out the door as quickly as possible, so I can crash out in bed and let the night swallow me. I don’t listen to my iPod on the way to work any more either. Happy songs irritate me, and sad songs just bring me down.
But today, something changed between us. I don’t know why, but things felt a little easier, didn’t they? You started being nice again. I had dinner with my friend that evening and we had a relaxing meal, catching up and putting the world to rights.
And as I said there laughing, I realised that for the first time since I can remember, I wasn’t faking it.
As I strolled home against the backdrop of that beautiful sunset you sent, I realised that for once, sleeping wasn’t going to be a relief. It was just going to be a nice end to a good day.
So thank you, Tuesday. It was great to see you again. I hope this marks a turning point, and that things are getting better between us. I might even dig my iPod out again next week. I’ll let you pick the music — as long as it’s something happy.
See you soon,
Love Kristian x