I was once in a play called Where I Come From. It was quite embarrassing. I had to put on a cringe-worthy American accent, snog a girl and then after a scene change, act out a morning-after-I-lost-my-virginity scene.
It’s safe to say I wasn’t too bothered that my brother had rugby practice that night and my nan was too ill to come see me perform. Knowing my parents would still be witness to this atrocious play was frightening. Little did they realise at the time, but beneath my Piz Buin ‘California kiss’ tan, this would probably also be the only heterosexual interaction my parents would see me involved in, and in my closet state that too was hard enough.
Or not ‘hard’ at all, in the slightest, ever, at any stage, if you may.
I’d regard myself a generally a straight acting gay man, those of you who have seen me in Popstarz at 3am may beg to differ. However one question I seem to get asked over and over by women, especially friends of friends, who find out I’m gay (‘find out’, ha, as if it some well kept secret?!) is whether I’ve ever ‘done it’ with a girl.
Why do so many women think it’s OK to openly enquire whether I’ve had sex with lady parts? I don’t feel it necessary to ask whether they’ve ever been bummed to kingdom-cum? Or drunkenly scored at university with the captain of the women’s football team?
My sexual history is mine to tell, not be asked. I’m not coy or shy or even subtle with my encounters, much to the disappointment of my poor housemates. However, why a perfect stranger feels the need to know whether I’ve dabbled with the fairer species I can’t understand.
One theory I have is due to the old ‘you don’t know what you’re missing’ argument. This pisses me off beyond belief. I’m sure there are lots of lovely looking vaginas all in perfect working order; however the consideration of being confronted with one makes the pit of my stomach churn. I cannot even fathom having a heterosexual sexual relationship. It is safe to say I really don’t feel I’m missing out.
I understand that gay men and women are just of guilty of using this line to woo the bi-curious or drunken straight fancies into entrapment. I hold my hands up to this too. However, lots of times when asked this question, I feel its routed in the idea that homosexuality is a choice and if confronted with the option, a gay man would become straight again. I firmly believe I was born gay, it is a part of who I am and never in my life have I felt attracted or wished to be intimate with a women. Sorry ladies, no offence.
The fact a person’s sexuality is, indirectly, implied as the wrong decision is unfair. I shouldn’t have to prove my homosexuality by trying and thus cancelling out the option of heterosexuality. I fully support someone exploring their sexuality in order to find out who they are, but I haven’t ever felt that need to strap on my hiking boots for a clitoral adventure and think it’s rude to be judged otherwise.
This notion has a sub-theory which I have always found amusing. Many straight girls love a challenge. They love gay men and would love to turn one to keep for themselves. The simple question: ‘Have you ever had sex with a girl?’ is extremely suggestive and implies they could be willing to offer the experience of forbidden fruit. I know from first hand many drunken female friends have confessed they’d be happy to let me ‘try being straight’ or if I ever ‘change my mind’ to give them a call. Currently I have been offered 15 surrogate wombs if I ever wish to have children.
I see myself as a ‘pure blood gay, not a muggle’ to quote my friend, referencing Harry Potter. My bedroom antic analogy follows more of a chocolate route. The Yorkie Effect: It’s not for girls.
So, have I ever ‘done it’ with a girl? No.
It’s an extremely juicy question, always asked with the biggest curiosity, yet has an extremely dull answer. I always like to return with a follow up question to keep conversation flowing, it’s only polite after all: Have you ever been fisted?